Tips for Doms wanting to share one of Sir Kelly's slaves.

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your sprout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.

When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

Don't be a dick, cover your stick!

The right selection! Protect your erection!

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

A crank with armor will never harm her.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, no love!

Things you should not have to say around my slaves.

"Um, I *think* I have another key around here somewhere..."

"Oops."

"Um. You didn't *really* need that, did you?"

"Which end of this thing am I supposed to put in there?"

"Don't worry. I'm sure there's a locksmith somewhere that's open at 2AM..."

"I promised not to do any permanent damage - but you know, hair grows back."

"Oops. I *thought* that was the lube."

"Uh oh. If that's the KY tube, what did I just put up your....."

"Did I mention we're on camera and this is going on my interactive website?"

"Safeword? Um, what's a safeword?"

"And this is my German Shepherd, Ralph. I know you'll just love Ralph."

"Oh fuck. You *can* untie yourself from up there, right?"

"Oh shit. You do know CPR, don't you?"

"Heh heh heh. You didn't tell anybody else you were coming here, did you?"

"I do too know what I'm doing. I've read five whole Gor novels!"

"Now, where DID I put that extra attachment for the chainsaw?"

"Uh oh. If this is the tube of Superglue, where's the KY?"

"Did I ever mention that little fantasy I have about the tennis balls?"

"Lie very, very still and keep your body temperature low. It turns me on."

"Oh, um, hello, Officer."

"My real name? It's Bates. By the way, I'd like you to meet Mother."

"No, really. Trust me. I saw this work in a movie once."

"You *said* you could service my pussy.....c'mere, Fluffy."

"You like my straitjacket? Cool; I'm glad they let me keep it."

"Phn'glui mgwlnath Cthulu R'lyeh."

"I did mention I was a devout worshipper of Huitzilopochtli, didn't I?"

"I did mention I was a devout worshipper of Kali-Ma, didn't I?"

"Oh mighty Azathoth, accept this sacrifice I offer to You...."

"I'm sorry. Are the voices in my head bothering you?"

"Groovy. This crop leaves colored trails in the air when I swing

"Well golly gee! This is more fun than pullin' the wings off-a butterflies!"

"Dang it, this is more fun than settin' cats on fire!"

"You don't need a safeword; I'm psychic. My spirit guides tell me what to do."

"You don't need a safeword; it's groovy. I'll just watch your mood ring."

"Oh, um, hi Mom. We were just, um, uh....."

"I'm not crazy. Yes I am. Shut up, all of you."

"Um, I forgot - which one of us was supposed to be the dom?"

"Heh heh. Look, Beavis, a tied up naked chick. Now what do we do?"

"I'm not really a mad scientist. I just want to see what happens."

"I promised no permanent marks, but I bet I can sew that back on."

"You don't need a safeword; I'm a True Master. I've read ALL the Gor books!"

"You don't need safewords; I'm a True Mistress. I have WEEKS of experience."

"I don't use safewords; I'm Betazoid. I look human so They won't get me. Shh."

"Uh oh. I think it's stuck there."

"I always keep the speculum in the freezer. It's more fun that way."

"If it doesn't fit, it just needs more Crisco. Where did I put that football?"

"Don't worry if your hands go numb. You won't be needing those."

"Did I mention my crucifixion fetish? Now, where did I put those nails..."

"No one understands me. That's why I killed her."

"Bye. I'm taking off for the weekend. Isn't suspension bondage fun?"

"Oops. It escaped. I think I see it slithering off in the corner."

"Darn it, where DID my pet tarantula get to?"

"Did I mention I'm a narcoleptic?"

Little Known Facts

The same chemical responsible for the ecstatic highs of love and sexual attraction, phenylethylamine, is also found in chocolate.

The male fetus is capable of attaining an erection during the last trimester.

Exhibitionists are most likely to be married men.

The usual result of ingesting Spanish Fly is vomiting.

The Kama Sutra was written by Mallanga Vatsyayana, who was rumored to be celibate.

Compulsive or pathological sexual behavior have a 12-step program available to them through SLAA, the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

A survey conducted by Masters and Johnson in the early 1980s revealed that the third-most frequent fantasy amongst both homosexual men and women was a heterosexual encounter.

Sperm banks keep their donor semen at approximately -321 degrees Fahrenheit. At that temperature, it could be kept indefinitely.

Among transsexuals who choose sex-change operations, females who elect to become males are reportedly happier and better adjusted after the procedures than males who elect to become female.

The most successful X-rated movie of all time is Deep Throat. It cost less than $50,000 to make it and has earned more than $100 million.

While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.

Believe it or not, there's actually a word for the fear of seeing, thinking about, or having an erect penis. It's called ithyphallophobia.

Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association's list of mental illnesses until 1973.

Oculolinctus is a fetish whereby people are sexually aroused by licking a partner's eyeball. A word of caution if you want to try this: oral herpes can be transferred to the eye.

At age seventy, 73% of men are still potent.

The first "official" vasectomy was performed in 1893.

The smallest erect penis on record was one centimeter long.

Oneirogmophobia is the fear of wet dreams.

The Roman emperor Nero used to dress up young boys in his dead wife's clothes and make love to them.

According to the Kinsey Institute, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.

An agalmatophiliac is someone who has a fetish for statues or mannequins. These people tend to have an uncontrollable desire to masturbate whenever they see a nude mannequin.

It takes a sperm one hour to swim seven inches.

A man's testicles increase in size by 50% when he is aroused.

Women who respond to sex surveys in magazines have had five times as many lovers as non-respondents.

Black women are 50% more likely than white women to have an orgasm when they have sex.

Micropenis is a rare disorder where the afflicted suffers from an unusually small penis, roughly .75 to one inch long...and that's erect.

An unobstructed penis is capable of shooting semen anywhere from 12 to 24 inches.

One of the reasons male deer rub their antlers on a tree or the ground is to masturbate.

In 1995, Mo Ka Wang, a Chi Kung master in Hong Kong, lifted over 250 pounds of weight two feet off the floor with his erect penis.

It's been said that Adolph Hitler was a coprophiliac, which means he had a fetish for women's feces. He also had a thing for being urinated on by women.

It's been estimated that the practice of autoerotic asphyxiation (temporarily suffocating yourself while masturbating) takes the lives of 250 to a thousand people each year. I guess going blind is the least of your worries.

It's been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

The initial spurt of ejaculate travels at 28 miles per hour. By way of comparison, the world record for the 100 yard dash is 27.1 miles per hour.

In earlier times, virginity on one's wedding night was of the greatest importance. To prove that the bride was a virgin, it was customary that the couple would display the bloodstained bedsheet for all to see once the wedding was consummated.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by the Egyptians in 2000 B.C. It was replaced with elephant droppings when they realized it wouldn't work.